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Warning to the humor impaired: This is a PARODY of Star Wars Episode III, not the actual script, although by golly it does contain spoilers. See disclaimer at the end.
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STAR WARS EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE
By Katherine Shaw and Matthew Jones
War! It's all over the place! Droids versus clones, M ratings, heroes on both sides! Politics! Brother against brother, babies havin' babies! And in the middle of it all, poor EMPEROR PALPATINE has been kidnapped by the terrifying consumptive droid GENERAL GRIEVOUS and his top aides, CORPORAL UNPLEASANT and MAJOR I-DON'T-KNOW-THERE'S-JUST-SOMETHING-ABOUT-THAT-GUY. I bet all you people who thought Palpatine was the bad guy feel terrible now! Only our hero and antihero, OBI-WAN and ANAKIN, can save Palpatine, because all the other Jedi are manifestly wimps.
Ext. Space just above Coruscant, where the coolest space battle ever is taking place. You have to wonder what it's doing to satellite communications on the planet, though.
ANAKIN: Droids of many types! Let me name and then kill them! Hey, kids--only $4.95 each (accessories not included).
OBI-WAN: No, let the expendable clones take care of them.
ANAKIN: Ooh, bad luck, master! You've got a bad case of buzz droids. Let me just take care of that for you.... [Anakin blasts the bejeezus out of Obi-Wan's ship, wiping out the buzz droids and then some.]
ANAKIN: Take THAT, and THAT, you bearded, pontificating, insufferable, pompous-assed...buzz...droids.
OBI-WAN: I worry about you.
ANAKIN: Okay, master, I opened the mothership's door for us. Luckily the controls are on the outside.
They fly into General Grievous's ship. Droid hi-jinx ensue.
OBI-WAN: R2-D2, find Palpatine for us. And start up that elevator.
R2-D2: Beep beep. Elevator, elevator, ride it up and doooown!
Elevator hi-jinx ensue.
Int. a room in the spaceship. Palpatine is manacled to a big chair, looking oddly menacing and curiously comfortable.
OBI-WAN: We've come to rescue you.
PALPATINE: Oh, right. "Rescue."
ANAKIN: Hold still, master, there's a fly on your head. [Whips out lightsaber] Let me just--
OBI-WAN: Would you CUT THAT OUT?!
PALPATINE: Oh dear! Look behind you, noble rescuers!
SARUMAN: Remember me? I'm back! And look what I can do! [Somersaults off the balcony, not breaking both his legs.] I shall now taunt you. Double your pleasure, double your fun, two Jedi for the price of one.
ANAKIN: I may have one less hand than I had last time, but I'm twice as good as you!
SARUMAN: Hang on, let me do the math. There are two of you, three hands; I've got two hands but I'm not a Jedi. I think I can take you.
Saruman drops some scenery on Obi-Wan.
OBI-WAN: Hahahahaha, oof, oh damn. I suck. [faints]
Anakin and Saruman battle all over the place while Palpatine winces a little, to get into the spirit of things.
SARUMAN: I'll cut your other arm off, I'll cut your other arrrrrm off--hang on, wait just a second. [He straightens up and stares into the audience, then zaps the man on the eighth row with lightning, turning him into a pile of dust.] Turn off your cell phones.
AUDIENCE: Yay! Go Dark Side!
ANAKIN: Killing cell phone abusers is so totally Sith! Take that! [He cuts off Saruman's hands] Consult limb loss table. Limb loss count: two.
PALPATINE: Nice stance. Very menacing. Kill him.
ANAKIN: Uh, is that a Jedi thing to do? He's an unarmed prisoner, after all. Unhanded, even.
PALPATINE: Go on, you can kill him if I say so.
Anakin zips off Saruman's head. Whoa. Dude.
ANAKIN: I don't know if I feel right about that--but what the hey. Now let me get Obi-Wan and we'll escape.
PALPATINE: Leave him, he'll slow us down.
ANAKIN: Are you sure you're not evil?
PALPATINE: Pretty sure.
Elevator hi-jinx ensue. But Grievous is on to them!
GRIEVOUS: Gollum, gollum. Activate ray shields.
OBI-WAN: This can't be happening! Ray shields don't actually exist. He just made that up.
ANAKIN: But my sinuses have cleared up. Ah, Halls vapor action!
GRIEVOUS: Gollum. Even your little droid can't help you now! [R2-D2 zaps everybody] Well, I may be wrong. [Grievous smashes a window and flies out into space] Decepticons retreat! *cough cough* Although I have difficulty breathing, I don't actually need to breathe.
OBI-WAN: I'm reminded uncomfortably of Skylab and various space shuttles, in a galaxy far, far away and a long time from now.
ANAKIN: And the laws of physics. But it's okay, we got airbags.
Somehow they land the bit of ship that is left, and then they're suddenly clean and ready for more politics. All the main characters are waiting for them.
PALPATINE: Anakin, ditch the Jedi as soon as you can. We need to talk. --Ah, Senators, I was so scared! If it weren't for those big brave Jedi Knights I would be dead!
OBI-WAN: It's like the Dark Lord of the Sith is standing RIGHT THERE, but I just can't figure it out. And I don't trust that Palpatine. Something seems amiss with him. Damn the dark side!
Anakin slips away to be with his forbidden love behind a big column where no one will ever notice them.
PADME: Oh, Annie! I've got terrific news! I'm pregnant!
ANAKIN: Uh, ah, that's the best news ever, honey. Uh. [Grimaces] Whee! Babies!
PADME: You'll be a good father.
Int. Padme's pad, evening. Padme is combing her hair and acting twee while Anakin stares at her, seething with ill-concealed evil.
PADME: What color should we paint the baby's room?
ANAKIN: Blood Red. Or black. Depending on whether it's a boy or a girl.
PADME: Are you sure you're okay, honey? You seem kind of dark lately. And how'd you get that scar on your forehead?
ANAKIN: Voldemort. Or maybe the white whale. I forget. Wow, you're still wearing that plastic trinket I gave you on Tatooine when I was a round-headed kid, back when I was younger than you.
PADME: Did you really make it, or did you buy it?
ANAKIN: Actually I stole it. Anyway, you're so beautiful! Are you an angel?
PADME: Tee hee. It's only because I'm in loooooove.
ANAKIN: No, it's because I'm so in love with youuuuuu.
PADME [startled]: What? So love has blinded you? I may cry.
ANAKIN: You know what I mean. Geez. Some days I could just strangle you.
Int. Bedroom, night. Anakin and Padme are asleep. Doesn't anyone notice they're shacking up together? Anakin wakes from a nightmare, demonstrating Ebert's Nightmare Reflex by sitting bolt upright in bed, gasping and sweating, to show that he's had a terrible dream.
ANAKIN: Oh man, what am I wearing long pants in bed for? It always gives me nightmares. And Padme's wearing those weird elfy beads to bed. She's going to have bead marks on her arms for days. I am so hung over.
Anakin goes to stand on the balcony, to breathe deeply of the smog.
PADME [joining him]: Honey? Are you okay? I put on an extra layer of lip gloss just for you.
ANAKIN: I just had a bad dream where you died and stuff. Not important.
PADME: I know you're worried--after all, the queen's sure to kick me off the senate when she finds out I'm pregnant. She's big on stay-at-home moms.
ANAKIN: You mean you're NOT the queen? I thought we figured all that out two movies ago!
PADME: Silly, I'm not the queen! I'm the crown princess and secretary of state, and possibly the attorney general. Of Naboo. Amidala's the queen.
ANAKIN: I thought I married Amidala! Who are you, Padme or somebody?
Int. Jedi Temple, Jedi in Session.
ANAKIN: You guys have to make me a master Jedi now because Emperor Palpatine said so. It might make up for my wife not being the queen.
MACE WINDU: We'll let you sit in on the club meetings, but you can't be a master because frankly you're not one.
ANAKIN: It's not fair! Even though none of this was my idea and I'm supposedly conflicted about it! Wah!
YODA: Luke's future whininess I sense in you.
MACE WINDU: You'll do what you're told, or else. Little shit.
YODA: Spy on Palpatine want you to we do. Might as well yourself useful make.
MACE WINDU: He looks way too comfortable wearing that black robe. Something's up with him. And he keeps passing laws like the Kill Anybody the Chancellor Wants Dead Act and the Patriotic No-More-Democracy Act. It's making me nervous. And he wants to rename our clone soldiers "Stormtroopers." It almost sounds a little fascist.
ANAKIN: But isn't spying on the chancellor treason?
OBI-WAN: We're at war.
ANAKIN: Oh, okay. Treason during wartime. That makes it all right. Still doesn't seem like the Jedi way.
MACE WINDU: Look, we're the Jedi Masters. What we do is the fucking Jedi way! You secretly want to be a Sith anyway, don't talk Jedi to me. Little shit.
YODA: Go to the Chewbacca planet I will. Hungry I am for wookiee cookies. Obi-Wan, take care of Grievous you must. No one else help you there can. Except clones.
Int. The Goldfish Circus. Anakin joins Palpatine.
PALPATINE: Ah, Anakin, I'm so glad to see you. I need you to spy on the Jedi for me, because for some reason they don't trust me. I sense a plot to overthrow my despotic rule.
ANAKIN: But I'm already supposed to spy on you. How can I spy on both of you? Am I supposed to be telling you this? I'm so confused.
PALPATINE [twinkling in a grandfatherly way]: Did I ever tell you about wise old Darth Genocide and his benevolent powers? It seems that he was sooooo powerful that he could keep his many wives from dying in childbirth. What a great guy, much more powerful than any Jedi. Is this story perhaps relevant to your life? Discuss.
ANAKIN: Gee, Uncle Palpatine, how does the story end?
PALPATINE: His apprentice kills him. All Sith stories end that way. I try not to think about that too much.
ANAKIN: Golly, the Dark Side doesn't seem so bad. How do you know so much about the Dark Side?
PALPATINE: Um, there was an article in Despot Quarterly. "The Dark Side--Make It Work for You!" No way did I learn it from my Sith master or anything. Nope. Never killed any mentors. Nope. We'll talk more about this later.
Int. Padme's apartment. Anakin is sitting on the couch playing with his PSP.
ANAKIN: Obi-Wan's been here, hasn't he?
ANAKIN: What did he want?
PADME: To have sex with me, but I told him I was already pregnant. What's wrong, honey?
ANAKIN: I was just wondering, if I have brown eyes, and you have brown eyes, how come our kids have blue eyes? What color are Obi-Wan's eyes, anyway?
PADME: Did you have another bad dream a minute ago?
ANAKIN: No, it was a hallucination, I think. I wasn't actually sleeping. You're definitely going to die, and Obi-Wan's there for some reason. Are they hazel, or what?
Ext. Utapau the Dinosaur Planet. Obi-Wan lands and speaks with the Corduroy People.
OBI-WAN: Greetings, my corrugated friend. I'm looking for General Grievous. Seen him around?
CORDUROY MAN: Ix-nay on the Evous-Gray Eneral-Gay. They're istening-lay. Enth-tay Oor-flay.
OBI-WAN: Oh, right. Thanks. I mean, anks-thay.
CORDUROY MAN #2: Are we evil? We do have fangs. Is this a trap or not?
CORDUROY MAN: Who knows?
Obi-Wan appears riding a giant floppy Beanie Baby. What happened to his ship?
CORDUROY MAN: Who knows?
OBI-WAN: Off I go on my secret mission. At least I'll have the element of surprise on my side.
LIZARD: HONK HONK! Squeeeeeel! Looloolooloolooolooo. Honk HONK.
Obi-Wan parks his lizard and jumps down amid the droid army.
OBI-WAN: I'm here to chew bubblegum and kill General Grievous, and I'm all out of bubblegum.
GRIEVOUS: Are you asking for a CHALLENGE? I've been trained in the Jedi arts by the vaguely Jedi-esque Count Dooku and I have FOUR ARMS!
OBI-WAN: So does that make you a Jedi or what? And are you a droid or only part of a droid or what?
They throw down. It's so cool that we all secretly wish that Grievous would win.
OBI-WAN: Ha! Extra arms, eh? Little do you know that the Jedi specialty is cutting limbs off. In fact, "Jedi" is ancient Coruscian for "where'd my hands go?" Limb loss count: four.
GRIEVOUS: Crunch all you want, I'll make more. I'm mostly droid, you see. I only have a little bit of meat in me.
OBI-WAN: What, this bit here? Or what?
GRIEVOUS: Bad touch!
Obi-Wan shoots him in the meat bit, causing his eye sockets to catch fire. Another bad guy tidily disposed of.
OBI-WAN: So uncivilized. Still, it did work a lot better than batting at him with a light stick. Maybe I'll bring it up at the next council meeting.
Meanwhile, back on Coruscant....
Int. Palpatine's chambers.
ANAKIN: So, you're saying if I join the Dark Side I get a free iPod? And Padme gets to live?
PALPATINE: But wait, there's more! You get a snazzy outfit and get to put "Darth" in front of your cool new Sith name!
ANAKIN: But isn't it against the Jedi code to become a Sith?
PALPATINE: Oh, you don't want to listen to those narrow-minded stodgy old hidebound girly men. The Dark Side isn't really bad--all the stuff with the menacing names and the dark clothing is just our fun. And it's quite liberating. For instance, remember when you killed all those sandpeople? That was a good thing to do, right? Well, the Dark Side agrees.
ANAKIN: Hmm, how can you possibly know all this about the Dark Side unless--you're the Sith Lord! Hey!
PALPATINE: It's a fair cop.
ANAKIN: Hang on... I'm pretty sure that's one of the things I'm supposed to be telling the Jedi Council about. I'll be right back.
Int. hangar or something
ANAKIN: I've got it all figured out! Palpatine has been the Sith Lord all along!
MACE WINDU: [slaps forehead] Well, I'll be dipped in shit. It seems so obvious now.
ANAKIN: Can I help you arrest him? Maybe get him to, I don't know, spill some Sith secrets first?
MACE WINDU: Three words: conflict of interest. Go wait in the Jedi meeting room.
Int. Jedi Temple. Anakin paces torturedly. Cut to Int. Padme's pad. Padme pads back and forth looking vaguely worried.
PADME: I'm more pregnant every minute. I think I may be giving birth to a pillow. Fret, fret.
C-3PO: I bet you thought I'd be someone else. Tea?
Cut back to Jedi Temple.
ANAKIN: Man, I'm bored. Look at Yoda's stupid little chair. He sure is short. Man, I could kill for some dark chocolate M&Ms right now. I'll go ask Palpatine if he's got any.
Int. Palpatine's Chambers. Mace Windu and three EXPENDABLE JEDI appear menacingly in the doorway.
PALPATINE: Mace Windu! My favorite Jedi! I take it you're well. And your little friends, how are they?
MACE WINDU: Cut the smarm! This jig is so UP, motherfucker!
PALPATINE: Are you threatening me?
MACE WINDU: No, I just thought we needed some light in here so I turned on my lightsaber. Yes, I'm threatening you. Little shit.
PALPATINE: So then it is treason.
MACE WINDU: What? What's treason, exactly--killing you, or not killing you?
EXPENDABLE JEDI: Don't listen to him. It's a last-ditch effort to confuse us with ARGH.
Palpatine kicks the expendable Jedi asses in his pajamas, thank you very much, then squares off with Mace Windu for a not quite climactic fight scene. They do lots of damage with their lightsabers. Those things are dangerous. They smash a big plate-glass window and Palpatine's lightsaber is flung out into the void.
MACE WINDU: And you will know my NAME is the LORD when I LAY MY VENGEANCE UPON THEE!
PALPATINE: Oh, all right, make me break out the early 80s special effects. You realize this is going to be hell on my complexion. [He zaps Mace Windu with fingerbolts and gets real old, just as Anakin runs in.]
ANAKIN: Whoa! You're, like, doing a reverse Theoden. Even your teeth are getting all gross!
PALPATINE: Flossing is for Jedi!
ANAKIN: Master Windu, what are you doing? Acting on the tip-off I just gave you? Stop!
MACE WINDU: Anakin, he's a traitor!
PALPATINE: No, he's the traitor!
ANAKIN: I'm so confused. Can they both be traitors? If so, who are they betraying?
PALPATINE: If you let him kill me you'll never learn my Doom 3 God Code, my foolproof real estate get-rich-quick scheme, my secret for eternal life!
WINDU: [Raises his lightsaber menacingly] You die now, we'll talk later.
ANAKIN: No! I need that god code! [Lops off Windu's arms.] Limb loss total: six.
WINDU: Hey! I'm positive that's against the Jedi code! Little shit.
PALPATINE: Muahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!11 [zaps him out the window] I 0wnzor3d jo0!
ANAKIN: Well, I guess that seals the bad-guy envelope.
PALPATINE: Trust me, you won't regret it. All-night parties, drinks, dancing, brown robes absolutely forbidden...
ANAKIN: Well, okay. What's my bad guy name?
PALPATINE: Let's see... Darth Smelly? No. Darth Torture? Too obvious. Darth Unconscionable Acts of Vileness? Almost. Darth Vader. Yes. Like that guy in Star Wars.
ANAKIN: My head a splode.
PALPATINE: That's okay, we'll get you a shiny new one. Now, as your first act of evil, go to the Jedi Temple and slaughter the doe-eyed waifs you will find there. They'll just grow up to be pompous and patronizing. You're doing them a favor, really. It's a good thing. Anyway, off you go, lad--don't come back till your lightsaber drips with the blood of the innocent!
ANAKIN [spirals in his eyes]: Yes, my master. [He leaves]
PALPATINE: Now to put my evil scheme into motion! [He calls up his clone pals on the teleclone] Execute Operation H-E-Double-Toothpicks!
All over the galaxy, the clones turn on their Jedi comrades. Considering how badass the Jedi are supposed to be, they die really, really easily. Perhaps they've lost their will to live.
Int. Senate chamber.
PALPATINE: The Republic has been restructured into the FIRST GALACTIC EVIL EMPIRE! Heil ME!!! I'll be in here later to get rid of these seats. We won't be needing them anymore.
SENATE: Disempowerment! Huzzah!
PADME: Freedom isn't free, but tyranny comes with a thirty-day trial.
SENATE [sings]: Hail to the thief!
JAR JAR: Don't blame me, meesa voted for Jar Jar.
Int. a secret meeting room for secret meetings.
OBI-WAN: I'll go after Palpatine if you get Anakin for me. Because I just like Anakin too darned much to kill him myself.
YODA: Evil he is, past all redeeming. See? [Yoda shows Obi-Wan some security tapes, showing Anakin killing "younglings," working on the Sabbath, parking in a handicapped spot, insider trading, and coveting his neighbor's ox.] Go chop his limbs off--it's the Jedi code. And you're not nearly old or short enough to take the Emperor.
Int. Imperial Office.
PALPATINE [looking in mirror]: Why, hello there, your omnipotence! You're certainly looking fetching and all-powerful today! Now, let's see, how best to crush the spirits of our pathetic subjects....
YODA [barging in]: Up with this I will not put.
PALPATINE: Ha ha, that's what you think! Have some lightning, my smurfy green friend!
They fight and end up, oddly, in the senate chambers. Well, why not? Palpatine starts throwin' seats around with the force.
PALPATINE: Catch! Muahahaha, it's frisbee golf and YOU'RE the target!
YODA: Always at frisbee better than you I was.
PALPATINE: Die, CGI Jedi scum! Your voice has changed greatly over a period of three years.
YODA: Where a lightsaber did you get? I thought you threw it out the window.
PALPATINE: I have a spare. Don't you?
YODA: Oh, my wee little robe--impaled! On a pole! Too hard this is. Give up I do. Into exile go I must.
Int. the Lava World. Palpatine is talking to his pals the separatists.
PALPATINE'S HOLOGRAM: Stay where you are. I'll send my new apprentice to take care of you. [his hologram winks out]
ALIEN WITH NO NOSTRILS: Hmm, did that sound like a veiled threat to you?
SOME OTHER GENERIC ALIEN: He gets through apprentices, doesn't he? Remember Darth Badass and his four-bladed light saber? That was painful to watch. And Darth Poisonivy, and Darth Muppet, and Darth Cropfailure, and Darth Scrofula. When's he going to settle down?
Suddenly, the door opens and Anakin strides in, preceded by terrified mouse droids.
ALIEN WITH NO NOSTRILS: Ah, Darth Vader, we were just talking about OW OH ARGH NOOOOOO.
ANAKIN: This is a lot easier than I expected. Maybe next time I'll let some of my foes escape, to lick their wounds and plot retribution.
Ext. Lava World. C-3PO lands Padme's ship, because protocol droids are famous for their piloting skills.
C-3PO: Bless my buttons, there's Anakin. And he looks angry! Oh, my paws and whiskers! I'm overcome with comedic timidity!
PADME: Anakin! Obi-Wan said you were evil and stuff! Are you? We need to talk.
ANAKIN: Not now, sweetheart. I'm working right now. Go back to the ship--this sulfur dioxide laden air might be bad for the baby, and it's really hot out here. Like, you know, lava hot.
PADME: Honey, please come home. I know you felt like you had to destroy the One Ring, but that's a different trilogy.
ANAKIN: Oh, Padme, I did this all for you! All the blood spilled, all the children murdered--all for you! Aren't you happy?
PADME: You've changed!
ANAKIN: Nah, same old Anakin, really. Anyway, what about you? Dressing like an anime babe, hanging out with Obi-Wan. What color are his eyes, Padme? What color are his eyes? [Begins to choke her]
PADME: Stop! You're sucking my will to live!
OBI-WAN: I don't need my big blue eyes to see that this is just all wrong. [Pulls out his lightsaber]
ANAKIN: Have at thee!
They fight. Oh, how they fight! Up and down the parapets, in and out of rooms, just everywhere!
OBI-WAN: You, me, and a whole lot of lava. This can't end well, mark my words.
ANAKIN: I'll never join you!
OBI-WAN: You can't say that. You're the bad guy.
ANAKIN: How do you know?
OBI-WAN: Well, the creepy "Darth" name is a clue. Also--mass infanticide. Not at all nice.
ANAKIN: You look pretty bad from here. And anyway, all you stupid Jedi do is say stuff like, "Don't get attached" and "There's always a bigger fish." You all suck. I hatey-hate you to pieces!
OBI-WAN: Then you are lost.
ANAKIN: But what am I supposed to do? You give me this awesome lightsaber and teach me to be a badass, and then you go on and on about peace and self-denial! This is the most fun I've had in years!
OBI-WAN: Anakin, you're standing on a DROID in LAVA! Just give up, okay? [Obi-Wan somersaults onto the bank.] King of the hill! You can't win!
ANAKIN: That's what you think. I've been a Sith for two whole hours and my powers are getting better by the second! [He somersaults onto the bank too, but what's this? Obi-Wan chops his legs and one arm right off! Limb loss total: nine]
OBI-WAN: Ergh. I was aiming for your head, actually. That's the Jedi life--justice, peace, and limb removal.
ANAKIN: Do-over, man, do-over! Where's the ref?
Anakin catches on fire.
OBI-WAN: Oh well, my work here is done. Sorry it didn't work out. I'll look after Padme. [He leaves]
Anakin writhes around a bit, until Palpatine arrives. Palpatine pats Anakin on the head.
ANAKIN: When do I get to say, "Now you see that evil must triumph because good is dumb"?
PALPATINE: Where does it hurt? Put some ice on it, that's what I recommend.
ANAKIN: It's been a really rough day. This evil-doing isn't all beer and skittles after all.
PALPATINE: I'm so sorry, I forgot to tell you about the mutilation and immolation parts. Don't worry, we'll get you some new legs and stuff. Think of it as an opportunity for a redesign--we'll menace you up, you'll like it. We're thinking James Earl Jones for the voice.
ANAKIN: Then it was all worth it! [He faints]
Int. spaceship, where Obi-Wan is taking Padme to safety.
PADME [recovering briefly from her swoon]: Is Anakin okay?
OBI-WAN: If by "okay" you mean "thoroughly corrupted body and soul to a degree almost unimaginable," then yes, he's just ducky.
PADME: Ow! My will to live! [She faints]
Int. FORTRESS OF EVIL or some such place. Anakin is being riveted into a Darth Vader outfit. It's the moment from the trailer, the moment we've all been waiting for! Anakin bursts from his shackles and lurches across the room.
PALPATINE: It's ALIVE! It's ALIVE!!
VADER [breathes]: What are these lights on my chest for?
PALPATINE: Call waiting.
VADER [breathes]: And where's Padme? I hope I didn't hurt her feelings or anything. Me and my temper. Maybe we should try marital counseling.
PALPATINE: You're evil now, remember? And she's dead anyway. You killed her in a fit of rage mixed with selective amnesia. Ha ha!
VADER [breathes]: NOOOOOO! My rage and self-loathing shall obliterate a thousand worlds! Damn you to--hey, is that MY voice?? AWESOME!
PALPATINE [holds up mirror]: Check it out!
VADER [breathes]: Whoa! T-shirts and Slurpee cups, here I come!
Int. hospital, where droids have taken the place of all medical personnel. Creepy. But they're sensitive, caring droids.
DROID: She's fine except for her will to live. Unfortunately will-to-live donors are few and far between.
Padme delivers two great big strapping twins, about ten pounds each and several months old.
OBI-WAN: Let's hope she still has the will to name them. Here's the first one, Padme. It's a boy.
OBI-WAN: Boy, I said.
PADME: Okay, Christine.
OBI-WAN: This isn't getting us anywhere. What rhymes with puke?
OBI-WAN: Right. And here's the girl.
OBI-WAN: Leia it is. How do you spell that?
PADME: The Z is silent. [she dies]
Interior, a spaceship. The Emperor and Darth Vader are looking at the brand new scaffolding for the great big round weapon of infinite destruction.
EMPEROR: Do you like it, my apprentice? I think I'll call it "Killa Moon."
VADER: How long until it's done?
EMPEROR: Oh, about twenty years, give or take. Still, something to look forward to.
VADER: So, when do I get to learn how to shoot lightning from my fingers?
EMPEROR: Oh, I'm sorry. You have to have real hands for that. You do that "choke" thing well--we'll work on that.
Int. oh, hell, some hallway somewhere or something. The last two remaining Jedi, Yoda and Obi-Wan, are talking with Senator Organa.
YODA: Separate and hide the children we must. Any suggestions?
ORGANA: My wife and I call dibs on the girl. Boys are gross.
OBI-WAN: We can take the boy to his step-family on Tatooine. No one will ever think to look for him there.
YODA: Unlisted in the Yellow Pages Owen and Beru must be.
ORGANA: I'll take the droids too, but I'll make sure to wipe their memories so they won't remember any of this in the next movie. And while I'm at it, Obi-Wan, I'll wipe your memory so you won't remember the droids.
OBI-WAN: Fair enough.
Ext. Alderaan, a terrace.
SENATOR ORGANA: Here, honey, Obi-Wan gave us a blanket.
MRS. ORGANA: It's beautiful! It's the most beautiful blanket I've ever seen. Hey, free baby!
Ext. Tatooine, sunset. Obi-Wan arrives on a camel.
OBI-WAN: Tough shit, Luke. Hope you like one-room hovels. Here, Aunt Beru. I brought you a blanket. Careful, there's a baby in it.
BERU: Uncle Owen! I mean just Owen! Look, I found out where babies come from! Jedi bring them!
LUCAS: I've decided to do one more Star Wars movie. I'm thinking a musical. With Jar Jar. Called "Midichlorians Fired First."
HOWLING MOB descends on Lucas with $100 Best Buy lightsabers.
LUCAS: I regret nothing!
DISCLAIMER (stolen and adapted from an MST3K misting): Star Wars and its characters and situations are copyright 2005 LucasArts. This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by LucasArts, its employees, or the originators of the material used for this parody. This parody is free to distribute as long as its contents and this notice remain intact.
This parody is not intended as a personal attack on anyone. It is all in fun and please dont sue us. We're not making any dough from this, trust us. We promise to buy a General Grievous action figure with Four-Arm Lightsaber Action as soon as possible. The authors are Katherine Shaw and Matthew Jones, with the former being exclusively responsible for any lame lines. Many thanks to various friends and relatives who supplied ideas or lines for this parody. Special thanks to Tim Brooks! Feel free to email us.
BUZZ DROID [opens R4 droid like a can]: It slices! It dices!
OTHER BUZZ DROID: You can even cut a tin can with it, but you wouldn't want to!
OBI-WAN: If the shields are down around Grievous's hangar, shouldn't it be full of... you know... space?
PADME: I can't wait to fix up the baby's room. I know the perfect spot, in the garden. We'll build a room there.
PADME: You've changed! I didn't marry a supervillain!
ANNOUNCER: The part of the sandpeople will be played by the oboe.
AUTHORS [discussing a certain line that got deleted]: You cannot KILL what does not LIVE!
###So love has blinded you?
If you loved THIS parody, see the parodies of Episode I and Episode II! Or just go back to the main page.
The midichlorians in our blood tell us that the Force says that says that you are visitor #